


On the count of 3

by RoadsUntraveled



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:41:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22115047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoadsUntraveled/pseuds/RoadsUntraveled
Summary: Was he doing something wrong? Falling for a boy almost 15 years younger than him? Probably. Was he doing something wrong? Mentally cheating on his loving wife? Most definitely.Life was a challenge and Junmyeon felt like a failure.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Junmyeon | Suho
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	On the count of 3

At 36 years old, there was a lot of things Kim Junmyeon wished he did, did differently or didn't do at all. Looking back at his life choices and what came out of them was something he often did on nights like these, where his wife and kid were out of town. Looking up at the sky and watching the stars shine had always been something that soothed him, but also something that made him think about how life could’ve been if he had had the courage to tell certain things to certain people or to refuse other things to other people. 

He had always been the perfect kid; his grades were amazing, his attitude was great and he always succeeded in everything he did – in everything his parents made him do. See, Mr and Mrs Kim had always been very controlling of their son’s life. Everything was planned, everything was done a certain way; they had always decided everything for him; not that he didn't try rebellion, but that never worked, because Junmyeon had always been that kind of person, the ‘too afraid to disappoint’ type of kid. So he grew up wanting to make his parents proud, and at first, it was hard to give up on the things he wanted for himself, but as the years went by, it just became natural, following his parents’ will, because the choice was never his to begin with. That's how he became that 36 years old married Doctor, father of a 10 year old boy, who plays violin perfectly, owner of a 56 tennis trophy cabinet hanging proudly in his living room. 

Laying on the grass in his backyard, his hands supporting his head, fingers toying with his freshly dyed hair and his eyes lost in the immensity of the night sky, his mind went on wandering around and imagining where he would be and how he would feel if all those choices had been his. Different. Yeah, probably very different. But there was one thing he would never regret, even if it happened so early in his life and not the way or with whom he would have liked to, and that was having Jimin, his son. He could give up everything for the kid, his needs, his happiness, his life. He could die for him if it came to it; and that was probably what he was doing at this point. His wife and him had raised him in such a cocoon of happiness, love and rainbows that he just could never give up this perfect life, even if it cost him his own happiness. His son was the only person, the only thing that prevented him from drinking a bit too much and letting too many pills run down his throat. Being a father was probably what was saving him from himself; saving him from the dark thoughts that often creeped in his mind and heart. Being a father had taught him patience and sacrifice. Love and support; something he never really even got a glimpse of growing up. 

Jimin was a good kid; he was bright, cheerful and passionate. Passionate about all the things Junmyeon loved; over the years, the boy had developed something close to addiction to a sport Junmyeon had always been passionate about: soccer. When he had first came to him at the age of 3, throwing a soft foam ball around and kicking it with his little feet, the man had felt like melting on the spot. From that day on, they kept on playing and kicking the ball together every night before bed time – something that Junmyeon wished his dad had done with him, instead of buying him a racket and grumbling that “soccer’s for pussies, real men fight their own battles alone”. And because Junmyeon loved his boy so much and wanted to give him everything he asked for, when the kid turned 5, he enrolled him into a soccer program so that he could follow his passion and share it with other passionate little boys and girls. Of course, Junmyeon’s dad didn't approve but that didn't stop him, because Jimin was his son and yes, he could accept and let his father toy with his life as he pleased, but he would never let him control his boy’s one. 

A few things he would have done differently then, but if that meant not having Jimin by his side then he wouldn't change a single thing, even if he was offered the opportunity to go back in time and choose soccer over tennis, piano over violin, men over women… 

And that was another thing, of course. Probably the hardest aspect of himself he had to hide. From a very young age, Junmyeon had thought that boys were cuter than girls ; certain boys made him feel all giddy inside and left him speechless sometimes because of how handsome they were. Boys were his weakness, but girls needed to be the ones he'd hold hands with, kiss under a tree and bring home to mummy. His parents knew about how he felt though, because it showed when he was with friends, it showed when a cute boy smiled at him, it showed and his dad had never liked it, nor did his mum. But only his dad had ever let his hands harshly land on his skin, leaving it red and stinging because ‘boys don't look at other boys that way, don't you ever let yourself be caught again’. One would think his mum would have tried to prevent her husband from doing such a thing, but she never did, it didn't work that way in this family.

Boys were his weakness; but he married a girl. 

He was only 22 when his dad talked to him about one certain Park Minah. One year later he found himself engaged to her, because his father wanted to, and he didn't have the strength to fight anymore. Minah was a nice person, she had always been, so Junmyeon had always tried his best to be the best husband he could ever be. She fell in love with him in no time before their engagement, and after that, he just couldn't back down, he wasn't that kind of guy and he would never be. Living with her was nice; she was caring and bright, always in a good mood and willing to help with whatever problem Junmyeon encountered. She was a good mother to Jimin, a loving and caring mummy, something he hadn't really experienced himself. But as much as he tried, he never fell for her, never felt that sparkle of love. He loved her though, he really did, but that wasn't that kind of love, that wasn't passionate, nor was it unconditional. Maybe it was because she was a woman, or maybe it was something else, he never knew, stopped wondering a while ago. 

He never had the courage to tell her about how she didn't have to worry about the nurses who worked with him, because they were all women, and he didn't do women. He never had the courage to tell her that what she actually should be scared of was him running away with those cute interns that he had to take care of each year; all young and eager boys. Hiding it was hard, but faking it was even harder. Loving her, loving her as a lover, as a husband; holding her, kissing her, worst, making love to her. It wasn't the act itself that was hard for him, no what was unbearable was making her believe that she was the one, the one he loved, the one he chose. He felt guilty, each time they slept together, he felt guilty making her believe in a lie, keeping her further away from the truth—a truth that would break her forever. 

He loved and cared for her enough to at least keep trying.   
  
Tonight was like most nights when he was alone in the house and found himself lying on the grass in his backyard, looking up at the night sky; he always ended up sighing and closing his eyes, breathing hard through his mouth and letting his imagination display before his eyelids what his life could’ve—should’ve been if he had had the choice. 

And sometimes, a certain boy creeped his way through his mind and settled there, not wanting to go away, as much as he tried getting him off there. 

His name was Baekhyun, he was part of the program his son was in and he was everything Junmyeon had ever looked for in a guy. He was sweet, gentle, a bit crazy sometimes and unbelievably shy other times. He had known him for a while and they had often spent hours talking to each other while Jimin was having a training session. He was smart and cute, funny and beautiful. He was passionate about soccer, talked about it like it was the best thing in the whole world with eyes shining and a smile that made the man’s heart ache with longing. His voice was like music to his ears and his interactions with Jimin made him weak to his knees. He had made his way into Junmyeon’s heart pretty quickly, but as much as the man would've loved keeping him locked there, he tried his best to get him out, tried his best to block all the feelings that were threatening to overwhelm him. 

A part of this was because he was a married man. But the other part, and probably the main reason was that Baekhyun was only 22.

Yes, the guy was too young for him, and that's partly why he had always referred to him as a being a boy – the other part was that he actually was one. Yes he was young, and Junmyeon would lie if he said that the fact didn't make him want him more. When he first noticed that he had feelings for Baekhyun, he tried to burry them, as far away as possible, he tried to avoid him, even tried to find another soccer program to enroll his son in, tried to spend even more time with his wife; but nothing had worked so far, and three years later, he was still fighting the urge to take the boy in his arms and place wet kisses to his perfect skin. And because he knew he would never act on his feelings – because he was a married man and the boy was way too young and probably very into girls only – when Baekhyun invited himself in his dreams, he let him, because it was the only place where he could actually hold him without having to worry about life in general. 

Was he doing something wrong? Falling for a boy almost 15 years younger than him? Probably. Was he doing something wrong? Mentally cheating on his loving wife? Most definitely. 

Life was a challenge and Junmyeon felt like a failure. 


End file.
